WLTM, GSOH, Meeting Mr. Right

I’ve known some couples, in my life, who’ve met through blind dates, or internet dating, or similar.

Obviously not all of these reationships work out, but then not all relationships work out full stop, do they?

Some people seem to judge these relationships ("he met her on the Internet, you know!"), as if everyone who tries internet dating is trying to buy a Thai bride.

I think it’s a great idea.  Instead of wandering the streets hoping to trip over some perfect person, you get a chance to say what you’re looking for, and weed out the time wasters before you bother yourself putting on your makeup and straightening your hair until it begs for mercy.

If I got myself all gussied up and found myself across the table from somebody who liked Black Sabbath, or was a militant vegetarian, I’d count the night as a disaster.  If he didn’t want to eat meat, fine, but if he kept shouting at me about the suffering of the chicken, I’d leave immediately.

All in all, I think these ads are a good thing.  Most of the time.

My friend Florrie, who is almost eighty eight years old, is a subscriber to a magazine that will remain nameless, but which is printed on newsprint rather than glossy paper, and prides itself on having been an Irish favourite for over a hundred years.

The back page of this magazine is given over to the “Penfriends” page.  Needless to say, nobody sends in their profile because they actually want a penfriend.  No, it’s a meeting page.  Which is fine, except that Florrie kept the magazine this week and actually showed me one of the ads.  I was highly amused. 

Word for word, the ad is as follows:

Single Irish Professional female, wlthf  sincere, single Irish male, 30-40, professional, academic, rural background, must be ns and nd, kind, caring, trustworthy, honest, genuinely seeking love, romance and long term relationship, keen interest in animals, nature, wildlife, going out, midlands area but ala, must be willing to travel, please incl recent full length photo and phone no with letter.

There were three of us women in the house when we found this ad, and I have to say, we were all hysterical.

“wlthf” stands for “Would like to hear from” – I thought these ads were limited to WLTM – would like to meet.  This woman can’t even commit herself to meeting this paragon of virtue, she can only promise that she would like to hear from them.

ns and nd mean non smoker and non drinker.  I don’t think I know a man in his thirties who doesn’t drink, but of course I could be wrong.

ala is All Letters Answered – to be honest, if I was a teetotaller man in his thirties who loved animals and was desperate for love I don’t think I’d contact this woman.  I’d be afraid of her.  She sounds quite demanding.

She wants to meet a man in his thirties, who has a professional and academic job, he can’t be from the city, he’s not allowed to drink or smoke.  There follows a number of required attributes.  He must like all the things she likes, as well as going out.  I can’t help wondering where her favourite place to go out to is, considering that he’s not allowed to have a drink .  He must also be willing to travel to be with our lady.

If this man exists, I’d quite like to meet him myself.  He sounds lovely.  I’m sure even His Nibs wouldn’t resent my throwing myself at this kind, caring, trustworthy, honest man.  There’d be no real competition , would there?  I’m not saying that His Nibs doesn’t possess all these virtues.  But he doesn’t.  He’s honest and trustworthy, but I’d have to think about kind and caring. 
He didn’t seem to give a flying feck on Friday when I hobbled myself.  I fell off a footpath and twisted my ankle.  When I filled him in on this almost accident about eight hours later, he didn’t really react at all.  He certainly didn’t offer to drive home, then insist on gently massaging said ankle and bringing me cups of tea.

The thing that amused me the most, though, is the request for a full length photograph.  Is that a euphemism?  If you write on this page that you want a full length photo of this man, is the secret message that you want to see a snap of his willie?  I’m absolutely dying to know.  I asked His Nibs to reply to this woman just to find out, but he’s refusing point blank.  He says he’s having enough trouble coping with me without walking into a load of trouble with some mad stalker.  Also, he says the woman who’d make it worth giving up smoking isn’t yet born.  I presume he means other than me, but I don’t like to ask.

I asked him what he’d put in his own ad, if something was to happen between us.  He didn’t seem enthusiastic, he muttered something about “exhausted, short, bald man just wants to be left alone”

I hope he’s joking.  Surely his experiences of love have been positive and life affirming? 

Surely when he says  he is exhausted, he just means because he’s been gardening all day?  Could it be that he is exhausted by my various ideas and demands?  Could he be disinterested when I read out strangers’ ads to him, and when I attack him for eating the grapes, since I am clearly a fat person and should be encouraged toward fruit?

Surely not?