Shacking Up

One of my much loved nieces is in love.  She met a man, a few months ago, and although she hasn’t admitted it to me, I get the impression that she’s stone mad about this one, and is hoping it will last a while.

I haven’t met the lucky man, but am reliably informed, not just by the niece, but by her mother, a tougher audience, I assume, that he is absolutely lovely.  I’m sure he is, and I’m looking forward to meeting him.

Because both of their current leases are up soon, and they are young and impetuous and have fire in their bellies, they’ve decided that feck it, they’ll take their chances on getting a place together.

I hope it works out great for them, I love her very dearly and want her to be happy, and don’t want her to have to untangle a big mess in a few months, with a broken lease, a broken heart and, presumably, a pissed off landlord.

And it is because I love her, and I’m sure I’ll like him very much but only in an appropriate way, that I don’t want them to be disappointed when real life hits them in the face, about six weeks after they move in, and they finally get out of bed and stop grinning inanely at each other and look around them.  And so I’ve sorted out a little “Top Ten Tips” for them.

1  Darling niece, unless you have met the only Irish man I’ve ever heard of with a bit of laundry decorum, please prepare yourself for the fact that you will find dirty socks and underpants on the floor of your home at some point.  And not necessarily in the bedroom.  It could be in any room.

 In my experience, there is nothing to stop a man from removing his socks and jocks in the kitchen, in the hall, or anywhere else, and leaving them in a friendly little bundle for you to walk on in your bare feet.  I hate that.

2  Dear Man I haven’t met yet, and so am not rude enough to name in a published blog, and will therefore refer to as Man, aren’t you a lucky divil?   Isn’t my niece absolutely gorgeous?  She is a natural beauty.  But her beauty doesn’t come as naturally as you might think.  Her hair isn’t like that through pure good luck, you know.  In fact, it takes some time and effort to get it like that. And her eyelashes aren’t naturally sooty black, obviously, not when she’s so fair. 

 I suggest that when you start your flat hunt, you insist on a place with two bathrooms. Believe me when I tell you that unless you take my advice you’re going to spend a hell of a lot of time banging on the bathroom door.

3  Dear both of you – it is never ever okay to assume that you’ve made a good impression and can now proceed to behave as you see fit in front of the parents.  I say this as a woman who spent this weekend apologising for His Nibs behaviour, not to my mother, but to His Parents!  He has turned his back on his good behaviour training to such an extent that he can’t behave himself in front of his own parents now, never mind anyone else’s.

 This does not lead to a happy and tranquil atmosphere once the parents are gone home.  Just continue to behave yourselves, always be nice to Mammies and Daddies, no matter who else you’re bold in front of.

4  Dear Man, kindly do yourself the service right now, of throwing out your books, not bothering to upload anything new to your ipod, and leaving anything else that you might like in the line of hobbies behind you.  My niece likes talking even more than I do.  And unlike me, she seems to expect to be listened to, and replied to. 

There will be no time in your future for sitting around getting to the end of your book in a leisurely fashion.  You’ll be too busy listening to, and answering my lovely niece.

5.       Dear Niece.  Remember, for God’s sake, that now you will be sharing your flat in a relationship way, that your roomie will probably get in the habit of opening the bills.  This means that there will be no more ignoring bills, or throwing them in the fire unopened.  You may want to be careful what you buy on any jointly held cards. 

Dear Man, on the same note, feel free to open the bills, I am not going to visit the little pup in Mountjoy if she persists with her bad behaviour.  Someone will have to deal with these issues, and if you take her on, you take her bills too.

6.  Dear Man.  I love my niece, as you know.  But do not let her drive your car.  Not unless you have a secret and very healthy bank account for the express purpose of paying her clamping fees and parking tickets.  She doesn’t worry as much as she should about things like legal parking and so on. 

I think that’s why the roads are going to hell, actually, and so full of potholes.  The State has lost a fortune in revenue since Niece got rid of her own car.

7.  Dear Niece.  Fight like a tiger not to get Sky Sports, or any other sporting channels.  Do not get in the habit of watching Match of the Day, or five hours of GAA every Sunday.  Once you go down this road, you’ll never go back.  I fought this battle for about fifteen years, and then lost spectacularly, to my great regret.

8. Dear Both of you.  Do not listen to the people who insist that any human who is not a Neanderthal goes home from work every day and chops and mashes and mangles vegetables for an hour.  It is absolutely fine not to cook, unless of course you end up having children.  It’s not okay  to starve them.  Until that happy day, don’t let anyone pressure you.  You can live happily with only bread for toast and cereal in the cupboards.

9.   Dear Niece.  This is an important one.  Choose your battles.  When the honeymoon finally ends, and you start having rows, and you will my darlings, you will, be careful. 

Tears are a last resort, not a first one.  And if you start threatening to leave him every time he leaves his underpants on the floor, you’ll soon lose all your power.  He’ll never take you seriously. 

If, however, you have the wit to save the drama for the big stuff, you’ll have him in the palm of your hand when you let the tears drop sadly from your big brown eyes.

10.   Dear Man.  I have to tell you now, before you start flat hunting, that she’s worth it.  Worth what?  you might wonder.  Worth the fact that we, her family, would not be considered completely sane by everybody.  We’re a noisy, unruly, shouty bunch.  There will be times when you wonder why you ever got involved with us. 

But we all love her with all our hearts.  And there’s loads of us.  And if you ever mess her around, or make her cry for any reason other than dramatic effect (see 9 above), we’re coming after you.  All of us.

If, on the other hand, you’re always nice to her, we’ll embrace you as one of our own.  Which is probably worse.

Best of luck young lovers, may every day be a joy to you both!