New Year Resolutions

It’s that time of year again. Time to consider whether to commit myself to self-improvement and worthy things for the coming twelve months.

I’m not great at commitment. Neither of us are, in this house. We were engaged for eight years. Tying ourselves down is by no means our strong point.  They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Well, that road must go right by our house.

 I suppose the more fastidious and efficient among you will think it’s a bit late, two days of the New Year are gone already. But in fairness who actually gives anything up at midnight on New Year’s Eve? And I want to have a good think before I make any decisions. Which I couldn’t do over Christmas, with all the Quality Street fugging up my brain.

I have the usual list.

1          Give up smoking.

This is always top of the list, and in fairness I’ve followed through a number of times.

Unfortunately, I also follow through with going back on the damn things. I can’t decide whether I should blame His Nibs for this one or not, even though it’s clearly not his fault.

I like to think that if he was an ex-smoker or a non-smoker, I would have given up years ago. Every time I’ve ever gone back on the cigarettes, it’s been one of his that I’ve smoked first. Could it be that we’re stopping each other from stopping?

I know this one is up to me though. I live in hope…

2          Lose weight.

Like every other year, I’ve decided that I’ll finish this year three dress sizes smaller than I am now.

I just have to finish my selection box, the Quality Street and the Celebrations first. And also the biscuits. And the Christmas pudding, which I like to eat with cream.

Then I’ll get started, eating lettuce and Special K every day.

 

3          Exercise more.

Obviously, this will go along with the weight loss.
I’m tempted, as I have done many times before, to go out and buy a tracksuit and new runners in preparation.
I often treat myself to some mad little exercise machine as well.
The year of the gym ball was a good one, I’d hoped the weight would fall off me just by sitting on it, and rolling around a bit, but no luck of course. Apparently all it’s any good for is strengthening core muscles.
Who needs strong core muscles if you can’t find them under the fat?

I still have the little machine that’s just two plates of plastic, like a tiny see saw, you just stand on it and lean on first one step then the other. It’s handy as a stepping stone if I have to reach the top shelf. As long as I remember to only stand on one side of it.

I suppose I could just walk the dog. After all, that’s what I got him for. But we always end up fighting. Not against another dog and owner, but between ourselves. He thinks we should walk down the middle of the road like free range chickens in a cornfield, and I think we should stay on the footpath and he shouldn’t try to pull my arm out of its socket.

 4          Spend less, save more.


Or indeed, save anything.  I haven't so far, after many, many years of good intentions.  But you never know, this could be the year.

Even if I don't start saving, I think it's probably a good idea to get the credit card balance back to zero.  (Christ, I hope His Nibs doesn't read this.  He thinks our balance is actually zero now.  The poor innocent.)

Or stop going into overdraft. It would be good for my pocket, and my sense of personal security, and my marriage.

There’s always the chance that I’ll win a few thousand I suppose. But I don’t do the lotto. I never enter raffles where the prize amounts to a good sum, because the tickets are usually something bonkers like €20. And I could get a new Clinique Chubby Stick with €20.

So I’ll just have to stop buying stuff. Including Chubby Sticks.

5                    Enjoy life to the fullest.

This is one I suppose is always supposed to be on every list of resolutions. I know that this means I’ll do loads of worthy things, like maybe learn a language, or climb Macchu Picchu.

The trouble is, I don’t want to climb Macchu Picchu. It sounds like a lot of hard work to me. I just want to relax and enjoy myself. Especially if I cop on and stick to resolution three.

I’ll be getting a bit of exercise without having to climb eight thousand feet into the sky in the heat.

6                    Stop watching rubbish television and read some more intelligent books.

This is a constant thing with me. It’s a sort of guilty pleasure, watching bad television and reading nonsense like Heat magazine when I should be reading the classics and smartening up my act.

The trouble is that every time I try to read a really intelligent book, I fall asleep after about a page. And then the next night I’ve forgotten the page I read the night before, so I have to start again. After weeks of effort, I only get ten pages into the book, at most. Then I give up and try a different book.

And how will I know if Kat and Alfie from Eastenders ever get back together if I stop watching bad telly?

 

7                    Complete all skincare routines correctly and carefully.

I don’t just mean washing myself and moisturising, I’m fairly good at that. I’m talking about all the other stuff, the exfoliating and body butter and all that nonsense.

Or at least, if I’m not going to do it, I might resolve to stop buying the products. The cleaner is fed up moving them around and blowing the dust off them, and His Nibs just gets excited about how much they cost. Maybe I’ll just accept my limitations.


Of course, I could just accept my limitations in all things, and not make any resolutions. That sounds much better. Yes, feck it, that’s what I’ll do.  And now I can stop thinking about it and watch Eastenders.