Bra Shopping for Beginners

Can you imagine if an alien or even some men (and His Nibs very much includes himself in this) – was sent to buy a bra?

His Nibs and I discussed this at some length just yesterday.  In fairness, the poor soul was pretty terrified.  At first I suspected that he thought that if he got the answers right, I’d send him off with the debit card, and that he’d end up like the poor clowns in Father Ted, when they got lost in Irelands biggest lingerie department. 

But I know him well, and I know that he was absolutely guessing the answers.  He hadn’t a clue.  And it’s not like he was afraid of being sent shopping.  He’s quite feisty when he wants to be.  It took me an hour to talk him into going out to buy bread the other day.

Anyway, I wouldn’t send him.  I wouldn’t dream of it. 

Let’s picture this alien we're imagining wandering around Marks and Spencers, having been sent for a simple black bra, to go under a new black dress.  The dress has been purchased for a rather special date its owner is going on.  Or it might even be a nice sensible interview dress.

It is not a nightclub dress. 

The dress is neither round necked, nor low cut. 

The aliens instructions are to purchase a normal bra, that would hold a lady together as necessary, without looking like she was auditioning for a pole dancers job, or like she was a downtrodden wife with sixteen children.  You wouldn’t think it would be that difficult, would you?

The lady I have decided is ordering the alien about, is of a reasonable size, chesty wise.  Let’s call her a C, not flat, but not enormous either. She just wants a nice bra, to wear under her nice dress.

Off goes our alien.

First of all, naturally, he has to get past the nursing and maternity bras.  Fair enough, they’re there for a reason, no problem with that.

Then he has to decide between underwired and no wire.  A dilemma as old as time, but one all us ladies have an opinion on.

Then it gets complicated.

He has to decide between balcony, plunge, push up, full cup, t-shirt, or sports bra.  Or he could try to look for the bra that tries to be all things to all women, a multiway.

Our alien, I’m afraid, cannot even pretend that to know the different purposes of all these different bras.  Some, yes, but not all. 

For research purposes, I asked His Nibs if he knew the differences.  I swear, he didn’t have a clue.  His actual response was “No idea.  How would I know?”

When I read the list above to him, he understood push up (of course he did) and sports bra.  He made a decent guess at full cup.  In fairness, the answer was in the question there.

In case any boys are reading, and confused, a balcony bra is basically a half cup, for wearing with low cut dresses or tops.  If you wear a balcony bra with a dress that isn’t low cut, things can get a bit messy looking, as the top half of the breast wobbles about, trying to look seductive, under cover of clothes.  Not suitable for this black dress at all.

It’s not low cut.  It’s not up to the neck, but there is definitely no need to wear half a bra.

A plunge bra, and I had to look this one up, is “a bra with a very low plunging front, angled cups and thin centre gore, this style is good for deep v-necklines”. 
I don’t know what a thin centre gore is.  I suppose it’s the bit of fabric that holds the two cups together. 

Again, because of the neckline of the dress, and the general cut of it, the bra was for something that would give our lady a lovely shape in her structured dress.  Not the plunging look. 

I don’t like that term actually.  A plunge bra.  As if, when wearing one, you’re inviting someone to plunge right in.  A nasty thought.

A push up, we all understand.  Some gentlemen might be surprised to know that lovely and all as the Wonderbra looks, it’s not the most comfortable of items to wear.  In order to push the puppies upward, the push up bra sort of grips them by the side, squeezes in, pushes up, and holds.  Sort of like having a vice worn around the boobs all day.  Most ladies of my acquaintance, although in fairness I’m nearly forty, and as I say, married, only wear them when we have to. 

A full cup bra might sound like the perfect solution, but to be honest that’s where the more sensible, matronly look comes in. And the full cup tends to be so full that unless you’re wearing a complete round neck, there’s no point in putting it on, because it might peep out over the top of your clothes.

A Sports bra is a no with a black dress, obviously.

That just leaves the t-shirt bra.  Arguably the most practical choice.  The only problem is that they’re made to be completely smooth under quite a tight t-shirt.  There will be no lines, or frills or bows.  So although practical, not especially pretty.

If we asked the poor alien to bring back a matching knickers, he’d probably give up and go back to his own planet.   The choice between briefs, bikini briefs, high leg, low rise, midi, thongs, French knickers, and shorts would surely kill him.

Some evangelical talk show host on American TV has caused uproar this week by stating that if a husband is not paying enough attention to his wife, it’s probably her fault, for not looking good, and making the effort.  For letting herself go, in other words. 

Can you blame us?  Who are the women who always wear lovely, appropriate and matching undies?

He also says that stubborn women cause men to lose interest in the marriage.

We’re fecked then, in our house.  Because I’m definitely too stubborn to make the effort.