The Laptop Doctor

I didn't want to become Ireland's grumpiest woman, I really didn't.
But they're forcing me now.
I'm being coerced and tormented into losing my temper at every turn.

Last Sunday week, I was sitting at my desk, having a little rant on my laptop.  (I believe it was my moan on "Shops" - see the list on the right if you missed it.)
And suddenly my laptop got all weird.  The mouse would go left or right, but not up or down.  The laptop is less than a year old, and I immediately got all narky and wanted it repaired.

I remember buying it very clearly.  It was around this time last year, when I decided to set up a space in my house for writing ranty little diatribes.  A new desk, chair and laptop were purchased to ease my way.  I suppose poor His Nibs thought that it was worth kitting me out with this stuff if it would make me rant at the laptop, not at him.

Anyway, I've seen the IT crowd.  And I work in an office.  So I did what I'm supposed to do.  I turned it off and then back on again.
No luck.  In fact, it seemed to be getting worse.  I cursed and swore a bit, and demanded that His Nibs hand over his laptop, which in fairness to him, he did.  But it's missing the letter D.  You'd be surprised how annoying that is.

But I digress.  
The following day, I went to the laptop doctor with my precious computer.  He looked at it, made a few faces, stuck a massive sticker on the top of it - which I know, I just know, is going to leave a horrible gluey spot, and demanded the charger, which I'd forgotten. I promised to bring it the following day.

Then he demanded the original receipt, which I didn't have, obviously.
I reported that I was actually told when I asked at purchase time whether the receipt is the guarantee, that they were registering it on their system, so one way or the other they'd have a record of it, but sure, to hold onto the receipt anyway.
I asked him to look up the elusive "system" and find the receipt.  He clearly didn't want to.  I told him I thought it might have been in the last two weeks of September, 2011.  He insisted it was the 26th October - which I knew was wrong.
Five minutes later, he concluded that that purchase was actually my Kindle, which I'd managed to break in two days. I agreed that yes, I had.  I don't know why he looked at me like that.  I hope he wasn't trying to imply that I'm destructive or anything.

After that he gave up looking for the purchase completely and asked me for €65 instead.  I huffed and I puffed and he told me that he'd refund me if I found the receipt.
I need that laptop, I really do, how else can I rant and rave?  Writing with a pen doesn't work, the temper is gone off me before I have the thing half written, so I gave him the damn money.  Then I told him to try really hard to fix it, because I need it, I'm a writer.  I couldn't think of any other job, on the spot, that might hurry him up.

"Really?" he asked "would I have read anything you've written?"
I admitted it was highly unlikely.
"So what you mean is that you can write?"
I was forced to agree.
"Yes, I can write too" he told me.  "It's great, isn't it?"

Humiliation piling onto hopelessness, I left.

The following day I arrived back in, as instructed, with the receipt and the charger.
"That's fine" he told me.  "Now I can refund you the €65.  Do you have the receipt for that?"

"I have the receipt for the computer, and you know I gave you the money.  No, I don't have the receipt, I left it in my laptop case".
"I'm afraid I can't give you the refund without both receipts.  Now, let's have a look."
There was a couple of minutes pause while he tap tapped on his keyboard. 
"Oh yeah, I fixed that one."
"Really?  Great!"
"Yes, I re-set the factory settings, so I hope you backed everything up somewhere".

Silence.

Another couple of minutes of tapping.
"Oh no, that's right, I thought I had it fixed but it went wrong again.  I'm afraid it has to go to laptop hospital".
That's not a direct quote actually.  He started talking in letters, like HQ and UK, and other things I didn't want to hear.
"Right.  How long will that take?"
"If you don't get it back within 28 days we'll give you a new one."

Twenty eight days!  For God's sake.  I couldn't believe it, but what could I do?

A week passed, oh so slowly, while I tried to get used to doing without my faithful friend, the laptop.  I couldn't believe how much I missed it.

Then, this morning, my mobile rang.
"Hello, this is someone from the laptop doctor's." - Again, this is not a direct quote, he gave his actual name and the name of the pointless, useless shop.
"OK" - I held my breath - was this to be it? The one time that something in my life was sorted out quickly and efficiently?  Was I to get my beloved gadget back?
"Yes, we're sorry to tell you that we haven't been able to fix your laptop here.  It has to go to laptop hospital in the UK."
"Yes, I know.  I was told that a week ago.  Are you telling me that you haven't sent it away yet?  A week later?"
A brief pause.  Then... "Well anyway, we can't send it away until you pay us €65 repair fee."

"Is this a practical joke?  I paid that a week ago.  AND the laptop is under guarantee.  As a matter of fact, YOU owe ME €65 - is this someone I know, winding me up?"
My voice was reaching a pitch that caused my colleagues to start looking up, and looking anxiously at each other.  ("Careful everyone, she's going to blow!").

"Hmm.  Do you have the receipt for the €65?"

"Not on me.  It's at home.  I'll bring it in tomorrow. And I can only advise you not to be there when I do.  I've never heard such a pile of nonsense, you have got to be joking...."

I think he could sense that there was no good end to the conversation he found himself in. He had the sense to interupt me.
"No, no, don't come in, I'll just send it off, it'll be fine.  Goodbye."
And he hung up, just like that.

Now you tell me - is it any wonder we're all so furious walking around?