Dear Bad Parker

I am not Ireland’s best driver.  I’m aware of that, and have made my peace with it.  I couldn’t parallel park my fecking car if my life depended on it.  And I’m not gifted at reversing around corners.  So I don’t try to parallel park it, and I don’t reverse it around corners. 

My mother and I went out for a little spin today.  To Kildare Village, as it happens, but that’s another story, for another day.  No need to go into the detail of credit cards pinging off the walls and the boot of the car being filled with over priced and under needed goods.

The point is that when I chose a car parking spot, I had absolutely no chance of getting into it, because some gom had put their car across the line between two spaces.  I don’t know why.  It’s annoying when that happens.  Especially since I had to drive around like a clown for a further three minutes looking for another space, getting further from the door of our chosen retail mecca, with the rain bouncing off the windscreen.

When we went out for lunch later the same thing happened.  And when we were trying to get back through town I lost count of the number of cars that had been parked half on the footpath, half on the double yellow lines, reducing traffic to one lane and leaving me gibbering with annoyance.

I don’t know why you think or imagine that parking your car wherever you want is okay, as long as the hazard lights are on. 

Do you think the rest of us are happy to sit there waiting for your business to be completed?

I know I’m a martyr to road rage, but why wouldn’t I be, with this type of nonsense going on?

And most of the time you seem to be stopped at bank machines, chip shops and what have you.  Obviously I wouldn’t judge you if this was happening at the doors of hospitals or doctors surgeries.

If, like me, you can’t parallel park, either find two spaces together and drive into them, or do as I’m forced to do, just keep driving until you find a space miles away from where you actually want to park.  Do not spend ten minutes inching backward and forward, a foot at a time, with the steering wheel locked one way or the other, and taking up the whole street.  If you haven’t learned to do this difficult manoeuvre, don’t try.  You’re just going to make a show of yourself. 

If, on the other hand, you’ve mastered the art of popping the car into a small space in one move, I’m full of awe and admiration. 

One way or the other, park properly please.  One space per person.  An actual space, not just a spot where a car will fit but nobody will be able to drive down the street. 

Or I’ll start calling the clampers every time I can’t get around your car.  That should put a stop to your gallop.