“Do the washing up, or the hat gets it”.
I was still in bed. I knew he wasn’t going to do any housework. He gets up really early on weekend mornings, then he arses about doing nothing helpful, and just when I’m getting out of bed he gets back into it. It’s like a fecking relay race in our house. I don’t know why people are surprised that we don’t have children. We’re never both in bed at the same time.
In any case, I couldn’t take cleaning up after someone else too.
I’m confident that he loves me – despite his best efforts to hide it. Next to me, he loves our dogs, and then his green hat. He won’t let anyone hang their coat on the hook over it, in case it gets squashed. He won’t allow it to be washed in case it gets watermarked, or the brim gets all floppy. And woe betide you if you sit on it.
Rather than try to hide a half demented dog in the wardrobe, I decided that the hat was my best bet. I thought he’d see the funny side, do the washing up, and then carry on. But he didn’t. He stormed up the stairs shouting “Where’s my hat? Give it back right now! This isn’t funny.”
I’d thought it was funny. But he was being sulky and childish about it, so I found myself getting sulky too.
“There’s no need to shout. I’ll give you your stupid hat back as soon as you wash up.”
“You’re not the boss of me!” Maybe we should have had children. They could have thought us how to fight in a grown up way.
“I know I’m not the boss of you. But I’m currently the boss of your hat, and you’re not having it until you wash up”.
“That’s so controlling – that’s the trouble with you” and off we went, into an insane shouting match about who’s the most controlling, who’s the bossiest, and eventually, whether we should have married each other in the first place.
I don’t think ransom notes ever work.
Eventually, in a bid to show that I’m not controlling, and that I wouldn’t lower myself to the level of the argument, I gave him the hat. And he stuck it on his head and stormed off to his mother’s house. Without washing up.
But at least, after that we were both able to admit that something needed to be done.
We thought about growing up, proper housework rotas and what have you. But instead we just got a cleaning lady.
He can keep the stupid hat.
